I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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