Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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