Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
