Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
