I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
