If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
