then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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