I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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