all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
