The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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