im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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