I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
