Having a random hookup so left but love u
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
