Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
