i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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