I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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