Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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