i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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