...so i touched it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
