sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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