I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Someone came in the potted fern
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
