How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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