oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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