sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
