I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
