woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
