Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
