It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
