I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
