My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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