i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
