I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's shark week go big or go home
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
