I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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