The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
