is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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