Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
