You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Watching her eat just hurts me
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
