Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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