I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
