id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
