when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
