So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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