she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
