Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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