hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
