Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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