remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
