6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
People in love make me want to vomit
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
