Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
