my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
