clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
