Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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