I want to make a zoo with you.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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