I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
