Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
