I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
