They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Im part way to drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
