I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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