I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
